intending to burn

I love you

2009-12-19T06:52:55Z

I painted this at Plaster Carousel for Jay.

This is the TARDIS. It's from Doctor Who. It is because I got Jay into Doctor Who and he wholeheartedly indulges me in my nerdiness.

This is [most of] the Killers logo. Clearly I ran out of space, but that's okay. It is because we went to see the Killers for our anniversary and had a fucking amazing time.

This is hands making a heart. I do that a lot. He likes it.

This one is a little hard to see. It's really jagged letters that say "RAWR." Shortly after we began dating I informed him that Rawr means "I love you" in dinosaur. He hasn't stopped saying it since.

This is a mummy because our first date was us watching The Mummy and The Mummy Returns in my dorm room.

These are some Weezer lyrics that we sing to each other quite often. He texts it to me sometimes and it always brightens my day.

This is a hookah because he had never tried it before we dated and it's something we do together.

This is the beach because when Jay took a train down to visit me in Coral Springs over the summer we went to the beach and had a fantastic day.

</font>This is going to be his birthday present! I can't wait to give it to him because I know he is going to love it.

JAY!

2009-08-05T05:05:33Z

Jay came down to South Florida on a train the other day and he left today, and in the meantime we had a wonderful time together. My grandpa, mom, and I went to go pick Jay up at the Amtrak station in Deerfield on Sunday in the late afternoon/evening. We ended up coming back here to the apartment because it was too early to go out and eat dinner. I gave Jay the Tampa Bay Buccaneers helmet I made for him at Plaster Carousel and he liked it and I have him a little dinosaur I made out of clay for him, too. We all went out to Smokey Bones for dinner because my grandpa had a coupon, and it was there that Jay told me when I come back up we were going to go to the Florida Aquarium. Fun! We came home and watched NCIS (of course) and cuddled. The next day I was so excited because it was going to be great. I had told Jay that we should get up early and we were planning for nine, but that didn't happen because he wouldn't get out of bed. I was so upset because I had told him that I wanted to get an early start and he always sleeps in so much and it frustrates me. So he finally did get up and we got to Plaster Carousel at about noon. Jay finished his name by painting an S and an E. I painted another Buccaneers helmet because last week the lady had told me that she really loved it and wanted me to do an example one for the shelf (which made me so happy and I was beaming the whole way home). A group came in with a bunch of kids (I guess a birthday party, except they hadn't seemed to have made plans with Plaster Carousel) and the lady asked Jay and I if we could go sit with another couple that was there. We chatted with them a little and it was kind of nice. Jay made an inappropriate joke entirely on accident and we all were amused. He told me his brush bristles were too hard and I told him they needed to get wet and he said "You need to get wet." We all stared at him as it then clicked and he says "That can be interpreted in multiple ways. Disregard that comment." It took us a while, but we finally finished our pieces and left at around three. We went back home to the apartment and made some important phone calls and then got ready for the beach. Mercedes had used my swimsuit top as a bra the week before and had left with her boyfriend so I never got it back. That was the only matching swimsuit pieces I have except for the one suit I have in Tampa. I wore the closest matching top that I had though and it worked. Also, I was super-boobalicious. We hopped in the car and drove to Deerfield Beach. We put our stuff down on the sand and went straight for the water. It was super fun and Jay told me about how he wants to take me to Puerto Rico over winter break (for Christmas) and we can go to the beach (where the water would be the same temperature as it was where we were). It was absolutely the perfect beach day. The sun was shining, the water was warm, and the waves were nice. I can't even describe how amazing it felt just to be there together. We spent the entire time in the water and I asked Jay to check the time and we had gone a couple minutes over our meter time. Time really does fly. We headed back home and took a shower (together). Mommy still had a giftcard from her birthday for Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Longhorn, or Bahama Breeze, so we ended up going to Red Lobster for dinner and it was super yummy and all four of us had a good time. Jay and I went out to Walmart because he wanted a blanket for the train because it was freezing the whole way down. I found one that was dark blue and really soft and he bought it. That makes me happy because it totally means I can use it in his new apartment. Then this morning we actually did get up pretty early because I woke up a little before 7:30 and then Jay woke up because his ear was hurting. He got Swimmer's Ear and there isn't really anything we could do about it because he needs to go get some antibiotics. Though we did decide to go get something from CVS to try anyway. We went to Denny's for breakfast and it was delicious and we had a nice time. Then we stopped by CVS, and like I said got the ear drops just in case. When we got back to the apartment he had me put them in his ear but it didn't really help anything because the water was already dried up. I'm glad he got them though, I told him to make sure to use them when he gets out of the shower so that it doesn't get any worse or start in his other ear. After a little bit of cuddling I had to drive him to the train station. We sat there and waited for the train and when it got there I saw him to the door and then I headed to my car so I could take advantage of the railroad crossing and turn out of the station while there were no cars. I started tearing up when I walked away from the train, but then when I saw the train actually moving I started to cry. It was ridiculous because I will see him in less than 10 days. But I will miss him so much, and I already do miss him.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-07-21T01:00:00

2009-07-21T05:22:43Z

Fourth of July was pretty fun. I met Jay at RadioShack and we went to meet Zach and Juan at a bay I don't remember the name of (and no, it wasn't Tampa Bay). It was pretty amazing because where we were at, we could see St. Pete Beach and when the fireworks started going off, we could see like six different displays. It was so cool. We sat right on the shore and the fireworks reflected off the water. Beats the last few years I've been spending the 4th of July at a park in Davie. Then Jay and I went to the bowling alley and visited Kyle, who convinced us to go bowling, so we told him we'd come back at 11 pm. We went to RadioShack to get Jay's car since we'd driven in mine, and decided to go to Steak and Shake for dinner since it was right there. While we were in the restaurant, Jay suggested that I pay for dinner and he'd pay for bowling since bowling was like $13 a person. We finished up and went to the bowling alley, where it turns out Kyle got us everything for free. To make it up to me, I suggested that Jay buy the drinks, so he got us a pitcher of beer. I bowled terribly, but I came back in the first game and disappointed Jay who thought he was going to win his first game against me. The next game he finally got his wish, though. And he stopped playing, which prompted Kyle to start playing for him and I finally got on the ball and bowled a 118.

This post is about to take a crazy turn of pace because the first part was a draft I started writing like two weeks ago. The rest is what I came to say tonight.

Last night I watched Torchwood: Children of Earth in its entirety.
THEY FUCKING KILLED OFF IANTO!
I can't even begin to describe how much that breaks my heart. I loved Ianto more than anyone else and he was like a real person to me. Which is odd because it's a tv show. God, the whole thing was just so fucking dark. Dark, I usually don't have a problem with, but these aliens want to take 10% of the Earth's children (pre-pubescent children only, so use this as a frame of reference as to what I mean by children) to use them as recreational drugs and people are just sitting in a room coldly and mechanically decided what 10% to give. Ianto dies and my heart breaks. I only watched Day 5 for the slightest glimmer of hope I had that something would change and he would come back. Of course that was squelched. The man who is negotiating with the alien is told by his superior that his two daughters are going to be first in line to "get inoculated" (the government's lie for what they are doing with the children) and so to save them from that fate he goes home with a gun shoots his two daughters, his wife, and himself. Which was all in vain anyway because of course they find some way to overcome the aliens. Oh, by the way, Jack does this by killing his own 8-ish (I think) year old grandson. WHAT THE FUCK?! I feel like the show I fell in love with has just been shit on. It's like they thought to themselves, "Okay, how can we get rid of as many fans as possible?" Well, they may have fucking done it. I know my mom loves Torchwood also and I don't think she could even bear to watch the whole thing. It's just sick and perverted and it makes me angry because I feel like I've been betrayed. There are lines I can't bear to see crossed in movies/tv shows and that is the death of children or animals. Or Ianto. As much as I hate to say it, I could almost understand Ianto's death. They showed in season 2 that they weren't afraid to kill off main characters (two die in the finale), and I would be lying if I said there wasn't any foreshadowing of it in the episodes. But the entire thing was just too dark for my taste and it was the most depressing thing I have ever seen in my life. It started out so well, too. I thought it was going to be so good but then it just really pissed me off.

It has be rethinking whether I want to have a dog named Ianto anymore. Right now I can't even bear to think about it.

I just picked my mood and remembered I have a Torchwood mood theme. Fuck my life.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-06-29T00:07:00

2009-06-29T04:16:52Z

So I had a pretty great day going to the Rays-Marlins game today. Baseball, beer, and peanuts make for such a great combination. However right now I feel a little uncomfortable while my boyfriend is reminiscing about high school with Kyle and their friend Robert over in Kyle's room. I was in there and they were just talking about girls who got skinny and now they're hot and girls that Jay liked or went out with or apparently hooked up with. Thanks guys, for making me self-conscious and then talking about my boyfriend hooking up with other girls. Now that's still just me being self-conscious. Of course I would be a little jealous in any context because I don't like the thought of Jay with other girls, but lately I've just felt so down on myself that it just depresses me more. I can't help but feel like because I'm not skinny like the girls that they're talking about that I'm not as good. I need to rebuild my self-esteem, but more importantly, I need to lose this weight. The problem is that it's much harder to do in St. Pete than in Tampa. I have less control over variables here and I feel shittier. I feel useless and depressed when I stay here all the time. I don't know if I'm going to be able to lose this weight again. I feel so fucking down about it.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-06-23T16:26:00

2009-06-23T20:34:13Z

Hmm... what's going on with me? Well, I've been up and down. Right now up, thankfully. School has been getting to me a bit. Unfortunately stress is a trigger for my depression, so I've actually been feeling a bit of that lately. My weight is really upsetting me. Cristina and I had a Luau party this past weekend and when I see myself in the pictures I want to gag. Jay keeps trying to encourage me, but when he does it makes me feel bad. I'm trying to work on it, but I can't get started going to the gym. I need to just go but I just can't seem to get myself to. I've been super tired all the time, partly from being depressed. It all just feeds into itself and it really sucks. I don't fit into any of my clothes anymore and it just makes me feel worse and worse. And yet I'm writing an entry with such terrible tags for actually being in a good mood today.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-06-03T11:30:00

2009-06-03T15:30:54Z

Jay showed me the other night the Xanga that he used to have in high school. I can't for the life of me remember the name I used for mine and now I'm sad. I wish I knew where all my journals were! lol

BEST. SEX. EVER.

2009-05-25T02:42:50Z

So the night before last, Jay and I had the most amazing sex ever in life. It was seriously the best lovemaking ever. Jay had previously talked to me about getting some things to have fun with, so at CVS we picked up some KY yours + mine and a vibrating ring. We also tried out some condoms that I'd read a good review on (Lifestyles Skyn), and they were great. We didn't try the lube yet that night, but Jay had read up on it and said that it is supposed to be warming for the guy and cooling for the girl and then just fantastic when they mix. We used the new condoms and the vibrating ring. The ring said that it would work for up to twenty minutes, so I kept waiting for it to die but it never did. Everything just felt amazing and Jay and I actually made love for an hour and a half. Which makes it all the more impressive that that vibrating ring didn't die out. We could turn it off, in fact, and Jay wants to hold onto it even though it says not to reuse it. We still have another ring and more of those condoms. I can only imagine how great it will be with the lube, too. Jose Arbona is officially the best lover ever. :)

Grams

2009-05-19T22:22:38Z

So my grandma died a couple of weeks ago, and while I have meant to write an entry in here I ended up writing it in my myspace blog on the 8th and forgot to post it here. I doubt no one will notice, but it happened on the day of my last LJ entry. I am much better now, I received a lot of support from my friends and it really helped me through.

My grandma died quite recently. Sunday, May 3rd. It was, of course, the most ordinary of days; albeit a very nice ordinary day. I had gone to lunch with my boyfriend, his friend, and said friend's mother. Jay and I went to the movie theatre afterward and then got some ice cream. We went back to the house and hung out and went to Applebee's for a rather late dinner. I was finished with my meal when my mom called to tell me what had happened. While my grandmother had been sliding very quickly down a slippery slope, it still came as such a surprise to me. After all, I had been planning to see her in just five days; Mother's Day was only one week away.
I heard my mom say that Grams had passed away, but still I yelled "What?" into the phone hoping I had heard wrong. A torrent of tears flooded down my face and Jay immediately knew what had happened. I just sat there crying in the restaurant. We made our way out and headed to Wal-Mart as originally planned although Jay did ask me if I would like him to drop me off at the house. Fat chance I wanted to be alone with my grief at that moment. Most of my tears had subsided by the time we entered the store, but it was still little things that made me cry. I thought of how I didn't get to tell her that I got all A's this semester in college and burst into another fit of tears in the restroom. I just sort of continued like that for the rest of the night as well as Monday and Tuesday to a lesser extent.

Wednesday I drove home to Coral Springs a few days earlier than originally planned. The week I had envisioned involved getting the rest of my belongings that were in my car unpacked in Cristina and Sam's apartment in Tampa before heading to St. Petersburg on Wednesday so that Jay and I could drive to Orlando that night and get to Disney when it opened on Thursday before heading down to Coral Springs on Friday and staying until Monday (excuse my terrible run-on sentence, please). Wednesday night was the viewing and it was the most hard-hitting experience of all of this. I had never seen a dead person before, and the first one I did was my grandma. It seemed sort of sick. My grandpa, uncle, and mom all kissed her forehead but I couldn't even imagine the thought of touching her. I could barely even look. The place where the viewing was held was just a long hall, and the moment we walked in I saw her from all the way down and I started to cry. I cried so much that I could barely see. She looked awkward because they had done her makeup in a strange way, but for some reason I kept focusing on the area around her ear. I guess that was the part of her that looked the most familiar to me. People came from church that I wasn't sure if I knew or not because I hadn't been since I was probably twelve or thirteen (and then it was really just sparsely). I wanted to have a moment with my her. When the people thinned out I walked up to the casket. I had of course been up there already, but walking by myself and getting right up by the edge was a very surreal experience. It was as if I was getting closer but didn't remember taking the steps. I had wanted to at least stroke her hair or something, but I couldn't move. I stood next to the casket, frozen, and began to cry all over again. I stood there for a moment, half-aware that my godmother and grandpa were talking about me standing there. I grabbed some tissues on my way back and grabbed my phone because I really just needed to talk to Jay. I clutched onto the necklace he had given me for Valentine's Day countless times for strength as the night went on.

I don't think anyone at that viewing besides my family realized just how close I was to my grandma. It was almost impossible for me not to be. When I was two my mom and I moved in with my grandparents and lived with them for nine years. Even after we moved out, we were still only 10-15 minutes away and went to visit all the time. When I got my car at 18, I drove over to visit by myself all the time. It was frightening when my grandma's health and mental state began to deteriorate. Her dementia was the scariest thing I had ever witnessed. My grandpa was taking care of her and taking extra steps to help her with her problems. When a doctor prescribed too much of a dosage to the pain patches my grandma was using, she ended up in the hospital of an overdose. That was a pretty terrifying moment for me as well, especially because I was out of town at the time and when my mom told me, I freaked out. After that, my grandma never got to go home again. She was placed in a rehabilitation hospital and we went to visit her every night. I know it was weird for my grandpa because he had been sleeping next to her for 62 years and suddenly his bed was empty at night. He visited her multiple times a day, to the point where his own health began to suffer and his doctor told him he had to limit himself. So for two years my family visited her nightly. Over that time, she was on a roller-coaster of conditions. Before I left for Tampa my grandma wasn't doing terribly bad. She couldn't really see very well any more, but we would come visit and have conversations and she would laugh and joke around and we would talk about what was going on in our lives. It was very painful to visit her last Thanksgiving because some time while I was gone, she had lost her vision completely and when we had dinner my grandpa had to feed her and she was almost completely unresponsive. I cried at the table. I couldn't imagine how her condition had deteriorated so badly between August and November. She got a little better after that, at least as far as responsiveness. My uncle and cousins came from Kansas to visit her near Christmas and she wasn't too bad given her physical condition. In February they came back to visit for her birthday and I came down from Tampa with Jay in tow. I was hoping that Jay would get to see her at a good point, but when we went to see her she just laid in bed, wouldn't open her eyes, and talked as little as possible. I only saw her one more time after that and it was when Jay and I came down to Tampa at the beginning of April to celebrate my birthday with my family. My grandma was still not doing well, and when I told her I loved her all she could manage was a mumble. From what I heard from my mom, she still had her up and down moments. In the down moments they would visit her and she wouldn't wake up, and when she did, she was unresponsive. In the good moments, I hear she smiled and talked a little.

I've completely digressed. Thursday was the funeral. I still cried, but not as much as I had during the viewing. By that point I had realized that I was sad for me because she was gone, but I was happy for her. It was painful for my entire family to see her in such bad condition, and I think that in a way my grandpa and my mom are finally free. Of course, in that light, so is my grandma. No one has to hold the agony of seeing her in pain any longer. I miss her so much, but I'd rather she not be laying in a bed all day not able to do anything. The funeral was presented nicely. Today we drove all the way to Bushnell, which is north of Tampa, in order to bury her. The place they had arranged was a military cemetery. It was a beautiful place and my grandpa said that when they went to see it that my grandma liked it the best because it seemed the most to her like Kansas.

I feel like I've dealt with this in a way so healthy it's almost strange. But I credit a lot of that to having finally learned to deal with my father's death, which I didn't until I went to the counseling center when I was at FAU. The thing that makes it the easiest is knowing that my grandma died knowing how much I love her.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-05-03T19:59:00

2009-05-04T00:00:44Z

I love Jose and we have had the best day today. I can't wait to spend my life with this boy.

Jay: "Are we lovers?"
Me: "Yes, we are lovers."
(Biggest kiss ever)

emostarfish13 @ 2009-04-20T19:55:00

2009-04-21T04:47:26Z

So the end of the semester is rapidly approaching. Hell, who am I kidding, this is the last week. I only have three assignments left this semester. I have three A's in the bag and it's likely to be four. Ironically, the Music class (Music in the United States) I took to relieve myself from the stress and monotony of all education classes may be the one I get a C in. It all has to do with this performance paper. On Friday, I had the option of going to a music performance at HCC in Ybor City. Well, I had not anticipated having to pull an all-nighter the night before. On top of that, Fridays are when I had my internship with the first graders. So basically I spent Friday in a mad-house with no sleep. After the school day ended, I had my seminar as always. By the time I got home it was almost four and I was working on stuff, but I was so tired, I don't even remember what it was. Anyway, this concert was scheduled for 7:30 and Cristina was going to go with me, but when I took a nap and woke up at 6:30 so I could get ready, it turned out that I was so tired I couldn't move. At the time it seemed like a good idea to just sleep instead. Lord knows my body needed it. In hindsight, that was not one of the brightest ideas I've ever had. I now will have two missing performance grades (it was a two-fer offer and I had already missed a performance paper), and since I didn't go, I can't very well write about it. I would completely BS it, but he wants us to include in our papers what songs were performed, and I don't even have any idea.
Anyway, at the moment I'm kicking back with a beer and my computer. It's pretty relaxing. I need to start answering questions for my math lesson plan soon. This semester has gone MUCH (understatement) better than the last. This is more like my grades at FAU. I'll be super-glad when this semester is over.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-04-10T17:14:00

2009-04-10T22:13:15Z

I STILL don't have my computer! Dear Dell, I hate you. Last weekend Jay called them while we were down at home and they said that it would be shipped out and I would receive it today at the latest. Well, at least I can say I'm not surprised. Today I came in crying because when I went to go check my mail with no almost no anticipation at all, I was not surprised to find no package slip in my mailbox. I went into the mailroom and asked what time FedEx usually drops off. Turns out that FedEx had already been by twice that morning. This is so stressful because I just want my computer back. If there is a damn thing wrong with it, I will raise hell. Fuck, I already want to raise hell. When Jay calls Dell for me I curse loudly in the background so that they can hear how upset I am. Yeah, I am passive aggressive like hell. Anyway, he called for me and it turns out that it is still in a warehouse and hasn't been shipped out again as promised. And no one could give Jay a straight answer as to just why it was still sitting there when it was promised back to me by today. So yeah, this is really upsetting me. I've been without my laptop for almost a month. I mean, I am a college student here, and finals are coming up and I have projects due that I kind of need my computer for. I'm so grateful that I have a boyfriend who is kind enough to be my hero and call Dell to try and figure this shit out for me. I'm just so upset about this. I stormed back in my room this morning and I told Jay, who was still laying in bed. I laid down with him but I couldn't help it and I just started crying. It's so frustrating. I haven't had a working computer since the beginning of December, and I haven't had a computer at all in a month. What the fuck is going on here?
In other news, I had some really spectacular sex with Jay today. I know it seems like too much information, but our sex life has been quite a point of contention in our relationship. It was almost causing more stress than anything. I think we got it figured out today though. At least that was a great part about today. I can't wait to see him again tonight. Not for the sex, just because I love being with him so much. I think we have pretty much decided we're going to be together forever. lol. It sounds kind of ridiculous, I know, but it's just something I feel deep down and he does, too.
Yesterday I went to the mall with Cristina and got my hair cut for the first time in over two years! Nothing major, just three inches or so off. Most of the blonde is gone. Well, actually all of the blonde is gone, all that there is at the ends is some of the lighter brown where the two colors previously met. It's really cute and I like it a lot. I bought some cute clips with bows on them to accentuate it. lol. I got a pair that has a turquoise background and it has little robots and little hearts and blue-violet pair with white polka dots. Last night I went to Meridian and had a really nice time. Tonight I am going moonlight canoeing in the Hillsborough River which I am pretty excited about. I haven't been canoeing since I was in Texas, which is a damn, damn shame. Jay was going to come with me, but he has to close at RadioShack tonight, so I won't see him until after eleven. However, when he does come to Tampa tonight, Jay and I are supposed to go bowling which will only me absolutely amazing and kind of crazy. Amazing because... well, it's bowling. However it will be crazy because my thighs are still sore from working out with Cristina the night before last and my arms will probably be sore because I will have been canoeing for two hours and I haven't gotten that much exercise in my arms since the summer. So I'll probably suck, but I still love bowling. And I can't believe I haven't gone bowling with Jay yet! Craaaazzzyyy.

I'm 21!

2009-04-01T17:38:23Z

I know it's a little late, but my computer has been gone for two weeks. I am TWENTY-ONE! I went to Disney with Jay for my birthday. When we went to get my free ticket, the woman there informed us that because I have a three-day pass with a day left on it, that I could use that day and get a birthday fastpass card or a birthday fun card. At first we didn't want to because I wouldn't have any Disney days left, but the woman told us that with the birthday fun card you get $75 and that we could just use $33 of that to put an extra day on my 3-day pass. That way Jay and I would both have one day left and I would get $40 to spend at Disney whenever I want. So of course we went with that one, and I wish they had told Jay about it for his birthday, just because it's nice to get $40 spending money for free. They gave me a birthday button with my name written on it, which they also didn't do for Jay's birthday. All of the park employees I saw that day told me Happy Birthday which was pretty cool. lol. Someone else told me that they got a free ice-cream bar, but I got money, so whatever. Anyway, Jay and I went to Magic Kingdom for a while and did the things we didn't get to do for his birthday (except for Splash Mountain because he didn't want to get soaked and go around wet) and then we went to Epcot because I really wanted to. I went on Mission:Space and didn't die, so that was cool. I was a little nervous when Jay told me that we actually had to do stuff, but when I discovered that it was just push a button that flashed when you needed to do so, I was okay. What I really wanted to do was explore the World Showcase and order some alcohol somewhere. I mean, come on, it was my twenty-first birthday! So I ordered this $9 Grey Goose Citron Lemonade Slush in France and it was delicious. Jay paid for it because he told me he was taking care of the weekend. Unfortunately that $40 didn't cover food and such, but I'd rather spend it on souvenirs anyway. At Magic Kingdom, I bought a Magic Kingdom shot glass on Disney's dime. I have like $33 to spend the next time Jay and I go to Disney.
Saturday night, my birthday party was at Jeff and Adam's house. I got completely wasted, which I didn't really want to do, but I don't really care. Well, I do care because I was apparently really horrible to Jay. I didn't know I was getting so far gone. I felt pretty buzzed and the all of a sudden I'm completely smashed and I only vaguely remember some things that happened. Regardless, what I do remember was fun. I just don't want to do that to Jay again. He took it really personally. I love him so much, I just don't want to hurt him, or do something stupid and lose him.
Jay is still wonderful. I'm still amazed that he loves me so much. I love the way he wants to plan things in the future with me. He's decided that he wants to take me to Puerto Rico during winter break next year, and that he wants to go back to the Renaissance Festival with me next year. Actually, regarding Puerto Rico, I believe we're planning to go there for New Years. He originally was wondering if I wanted to go for Christmas, but I didn't want to spend Christmas away from my family. I invited him to Coral Springs for Christmas to spend it with me and my family.
Speaking of going to Coral Springs to spend time with my family, that is what Jay and I are doing this weekend. I am excited. I can't wait to see my mommy and I'm trying to figure out things for Jay and I to do. Granted, a weekend passes quite quickly. My mom is going to treat us to dinner and we're going to celebrate my birthday. I still haven't decided where to go. I wanted to go to the Quarterdeck in Sunrise, but my mom informed me that their tables that used to slide to and fro are now stationary. That takes a lot of the grandeur out of the place for me. I guess we could go to the Cheesecake Factory, but I don't know that my family can really afford that. I guess I'll have to keep thinking. In any case, I am excited.

Now to that problem of not having a computer. Two weeks ago I sent my computer in to Dell because the keyboard wasn't working and I had to buy an external one just to get my computer to function. However, it still decided that once in a while it would just type lines of z's or x's; sometimes when I wasn't even anywhere near the computer or even while I was sleeping! Then there was the problem of my computer not charging. I would plug it in and most of the time it wouldn't charge. It was something I could fix sometimes, but I couldn't find a set way of getting it to charge. Then there was the scroll on my touchpad that just mysteriously stopped working. But enough about that, I sent in the computer and have waited patiently for two weeks. I got a call on Monday that my computer was fixed and being sent back to me. Tuesday morning I tracked the package online using my phone and was livid to discover that it was returned to the shipper. WHAT THE FUCK?! Now, I know they had the wrong zip code because when they sent me the empty box for me to ship my computer in, I accidentally gave them my school address with my home zip code. What happened was that I got a call from FedEx asking me for my correct zip code and it was promptly fixed and sent to Tampa. So what really pissed me off now was that FedEx had not bothered to call me this time and just sent my computer back to Texas. So let's get this straight, they will call me to get the zip code for an EMPTY BOX but for my VALUABLE LAPTOP they are too lazy to just get it straightened out. That is majorly frustrating. I called FedEx and the guy I talked to was really nice, but he told me that there was nothing I could do about it and that I would have to wait and see if Dell tries to ship it again and then call them before it gets returned again and give them the correct zip code. After that I went to the library and emailed Dell to try and get a handle on the situation. However, I have yet to receive an email back from those assholes and it has been over 24 hours. For all the trouble I have been through with this, there better not be a damn thing wrong with my computer whenever I finally do get it back or there will be hell to pay.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-03-10T21:53:00

2009-03-11T02:18:56Z

I love it when my boyfriend indulges in my dorkiness! He only got me what I really wanted for my birthday (mind you, three weeks early) and something else really awesome. Saturday night I'm in St. Pete and Jay asks if I want my presents, and I say, "sure!" I go with him to his room and he tells me to close my eyes. Okay, they're closed. He tells me to put out my hands, and I oblige. Then I feel him put something in them and he says "Okay, open." And what should I find but my very own...
...SONIC SCREWDRIVER!

But that's not even all. He tells me there is more and has me close my eyes again. I open my eyes this time to find what I really really wanted for my birthday.
...SERIES 4 OF DOCTOR WHO ON DVD!

So I've been super-excited about them. I can't help but play with the sonic screwdriver all the time. The one end lights up and makes noise when you hit the button, and it extends so there is a button to activate it in that position, too. The other end is an ink pen, or a UV ink pen (it came with interchangeable ink nibs). But that's not all! What do you write on with UV ink? Well, of course the PSYCHIC PAPER that comes with it! But what you write won't show up unless you shine a UV light on it, which is where the light up end comes back into play. It's only the coolest toy ever. The sonic screwdriver is what Jay was saying he thought was really cool and he wished he had one. The thing is, I'd seen them before online, I'd just never thought of buying one for myself. And Jay found it completely on his own and thought I would love it. Which I do!
He's coming to Tampa tomorrow night and we're going to go out to Meridian to smoke a hookah or two (but almost certainly more) and then Thursday we're going to go out to dinner, but I haven't thought of where yet. And to think, if only USF wasn't stupid with their spring break and scheduled it with what appears to be everyone else in Florida, I could be in Puerto Rico right now! But instead it's next week and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I think I want to go to Gainesville and spend time with Megan, but I still haven't called her back, so I don't know if I'll be able to. I was going to go to Miami with some friends but it occurred to me that the partying it up kind of spring break doesn't really sound all to appealing to me. I think I'd much rather go camping somewhere or visit a place I've never been. And besides, I won't be 21 until the Friday after spring break, and if my friends decide they want to go to a club then what the fuck would I do? I don't give a shit about Miami. Oh well.
I've been freaking out lately. About a lot of things. Money is a big problem. I want a job and I went to the mall the other day and collected a lot of applications that I've been working my way through. I need a job or else I can't afford to live in Tampa (at least off campus, and I refuse to do this shit again). Ugh, this is stuff I really don't want to focus on. And there's more that I've written and deleted because it just sounds stupid and childish and trivial (but to me it's not at all).
Okay, I'm going to go breathe and think some happy thoughts. Maybe play with the sonic a bit.

home

2009-03-07T17:18:56Z

So it's been two weeks since this, but I brought Jay home with me to meet my family. I was a little worried because my uncle and cousins were also down again because the 22nd was my grandma's birthday. But Jay was really insistent and when I told my mom and grandpa how badly he wanted to come down, they decided it was okay. We only stayed for one night because Jay had a class all day Saturday, so we didn't head out until Saturday night. And then we had to leave Sunday night because we both had class Monday. So anyway, I headed to St. Pete on Saturday, but a little later than expected because I was doing laundry at Cristina's. I went to go get Jay and he hadn't even taken a shower yet which was ridiculous because I hadn't even left Tampa when he had finished his exam and gone home. So I got frustrated because that's what happens when I'm running late. We finally got everything together and left for Coral Springs. By the time we got to Broward it was too late to visit my grandma, so I took him to Bru's Room for dinner, which I told my mom I was going to do. Lo and behold, who should be there but my mom, grandpa, uncle, and cousins. So that was when everyone met Jay and it went pretty well. I showed me mom my necklace in person and Sara asked me if it was a Valentine's gift. We all went home and relaxed and eventually went to bed. The next day we got up early, and my mom asked me if I wanted to go to CVS with her to get a card for my grandma. I asked Jay and it was cool with him, so we walked over and had a little adventure. Apparently everyone was planning to visit my grandma right away, but I had been planning the day so that I would show Jay around Coral Springs, we'd go somewhere for lunch, and then go visit my grandma. Which is probably better because it's already a lot to get five visitors in that room, much less seven. We did that, but visiting my grandma and wishing her a happy birthday turned out to be really depressing because my grandma wouldn't even open her eyes. I mean, she is legally blind now, but it just looked so pathetic and I wanted to cry. Apparently she hadn't left her bed all day because she was in it when my family was there, she was in it when I was there, and she was still in it when we went to visit her that night. I was going to take Jay to Sawgrass Mills and maybe see a movie, but he started freaking out about getting some homework done, so we went home so he could do that. ...even though he ended up watching Monsters Inc. in its entirety with me before even getting out his computer. But he worked on it and got it done while I watched Finding Nemo and Futurama. My uncle and cousins got home from visiting the Flagler Museum and we all sat in the living room for a while until we went to go visit my grandma. Jay and I packed our stuff up and put it in the car so we could leave from dinner. Visiting grams was kind of painful for everyone (including Jay who was reminded of his own grandmother who died and had to call his mom), and we ended up leaving a bit early. We went to this enormous sports bar in Plantation and had a dinner that was not quite as good as everyone had hoped. But it wasn't bad. When we went to leave, everyone was walking Jay and I to my car when we saw something on the ground and people standing around it. Turns out that the something was a person who had passed out right behind my uncle's rental car. The guy's arm was blocking the car of the people who were standing around him and they asked us if we knew him before we overheard them calling the police. I didn't know that it was my family's rental car until we got to my own and uncle Gregg mentioned it. We said our goodbyes, but then the ambulance showed up and Jay wanted to stick around a bit. They found the drunk guy's keys and apparently he was on his way to his car. Imagine if that guy had actually gotten there! So we finally left and went back to St. Pete, where I spent the night with Jay because I had already been sleeping on the way back (with Jay driving my car, of course). My mom thought Jay was just great and she thought it was adorable when he would pull me close and kiss me on the head. She told me he got the Mommy Seal of Approval. I can't wait until the first weekend in April when Jay will be coming with me again. This time we actually get to spend a decent amount of time in Coral Springs. Jay can actually get to know my family instead of us all being crammed in and going different directions.
Speaking of Jay, I'm going to visit him tonight. I'm excited. Even more so than usual because he got me an early birthday present and he says it's really cool and he wishes he had one. I can't even imagine what it could be. At first I thought maybe it would be the fourth series of Doctor Who, but then he said the things I just mentioned and I can't even guess. He told me that he had a bad dream last night that I had slept with someone else and first he was really upset and then he was mad and then he was fuming angry and was looking for the guy to kick his ass. And he said when he woke up and realized he was dreaming it was weird because he had never felt so intense or angry in a dream before. He said he had one of those moments of relief when he woke up. I can't wait to see him!! He brought up last week about how when he lived on campus we'd only see each other every few days or so, and now that he's in St. Pete it makes him sad that he can't see me every day. I think it was kind of necessary. I think if he still lived on campus, we'd probably still be going about the same way. I told him that now that I'm not around all the time, he appreciates the time that he does have with me more. That's what I think it is, anyway. Today I'm hoping Cristina will call me about going to lunch and the mall. I want to go get some applications because I really need a job and I've been freaking out lately with money and what I'm going to do after this semester.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-02-16T09:55:00

2009-02-16T16:16:27Z

So I am hopelessly in love with my boyfriend and have had the most amazing weekend ever. I should be back in Tampa doing work for my class at 2pm, but I am still here in St. Pete. Valentine's day was the more wonderful than I could have imagined. I showed up at the house and Jay had my present there for me. Turns out that my present was a necklace from Jared (which is hilarious because of a conversation I had with Cristina and Jay the night before). Anyway, here it is:

It is white gold with diamonds. And when Jay told me that it cost him nearly $500, I honestly had a little trouble breathing. I absolutely love it, but it sounds crazy that someone spent that much money on a piece of jewelry that they bought for someone they've only been with for four months! But it's so beautiful and I really love it. Anyway, proceeding with the evening...
Jay took me to this Japanese restaurant called Arigato. It was just like Benihana. We had a delicious meal and of course everyone at our table was couples. When we were done eating, they wrapped up our leftovers in foil and made Jay's into a man on a jet ski, and mine into a monkey in a tree. It was pretty cool. When Jay and I were waiting outside beforehand, I saw someone walk out with one that was made into the statue of liberty. It had a shrimp tail or something as the torch. Then when we were leaving I saw one that was pirates fighting with chopsticks as swords. That was really awesome. After dinner Jay had wanted to take me galactic bowling, but I was wearing a dress and wasn't really comfortable with the idea of bowling in it. It already took a lot of adjusting anyway, I just didn't want to be self-conscious about it while we were trying to have fun. So Jay promised to take me galactic bowling another time and we decided we would go the the Rocky Horror Picture Show with Zach and his boyfriend, Juan. It was still way before midnight, so we kind of drove around a bit and went to the beach (which was really cold!). It was a lot of fun at RHPS, but both Jay and I were pretty tired already. So instead of going back to Tampa like we were originally going to do, we ended up staying in St. Pete.
I love it when Jay opens up to me, and last night he really did. He came and told me how he felt a little insecure when I told him about Chris being into me. I love that boy with all my heart. At the time I guess he should have had reason to feel insecure, as I had been a little intrigued by the attention. But at the same time, it was because I wasn't getting the attention from Jay. I explained that to him, and how it really hurt me around that time when all I wanted was for him to tell me he loved me, I flat out asked him to tell me and he refused. He told me that he feels bad now, knowing that I was that upset about it. I've now got an awfully expensive piece of jewelry that would indicate that this boy is pretty committed to me. He told me that he loves me so much and that I mean the world to him and that being with me just feels right. He said that when we're holding each other that everything else just kind of melts away and that every time I do something silly (as I do), he falls more in love with me. So all of that has made my weekend pretty perfect. And now I am fucked for the upcoming week, but I guess all I can do is rush and try to get stuff done. ...which I am not doing especially well right now.

Jose the Dork-Lover

2009-02-05T06:32:58Z

My head certainly feels less crazy lately, but I've been sleeping an awful lot for some reason. So I think like a week after my last post I went shopping for camping supplies with Chris. There was this thing about how we were all going camping that weekend (all meaning, Chris, Jeff, Adam, Cristina, and I), but that ended up falling through when we found out that Adam's uncle was in the hospital. Regardless, I had been shopping at Wal-Mart with Chris and I ended up getting a phone call from Jay. At that point things were still kind of strained between Jay and I (which is definitely to say that they are much better now!), and he wanted me to drive to St. Pete that night to see him and I was hesitant. Chris and I were planning to go to Applebee's after we were done shopping and I told Jay I was going to get dinner after I was done at Wal-Mart and I would think about coming to St. Pete. I got on AIM on my phone and was IMing him after that. I didn't want to go because I was kind of tired, had had a long day, and was already hanging out with Chris. However, I kind of wanted to go to see Jay. After quite a bit of debating with myself while at the restaurant, I decided I would make the drive, granted I didn't get there until probably 10:15-10:30. I went and spent time with Jay and he told me the next day I was staying for dinner, and so I did. Then I ended up going back to Tampa that night. Even still, I ended up hanging out with Chris that night. We went to Meridian, and went for a drive in downtown for a while. He wanted to stop by his place and get something so I said okay and we ended up hanging out there for a long time talking. It got to be almost five in the morning and we were both exhausted and so we just went to sleep because Chris lives pretty far from campus. He cuddled with me and all, but when I woke up in the morning I realized that I was disappointed to not be waking up next to Jay. That definitely settled the matter for me and I began to feel a little uncomfortable with Chris and he took me back home. He actually told me at some point that he has a surprise for me. Last night we were talking on AIM and he still wouldn't tell me but he told me it was a night out and I'd have to let him know two days in advance. I told him I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and he told me he wasn't thinking of it as a date. Then he asked what I would do if he was thinking of it as a date (which was a stupid thing to ask, because now I'm going to feel like you think that...) and I said I would say no. I still don't know if I want to take him up on whatever it is. I don't have a lot of free time anytime soon. This weekend is Gasparilla, next weekend is Valentine's. Cristina told me that she doesn't think I should spend one-on-one time with him and I really have to agree. He told me last night that he doesn't think of it as a date because I already made my choice, but I still feel like it would kind of be like one and that makes me uncomfortable.
Then the 29th was Kyle's (Jay's friend Kyle) birthday and they decided to go to Meridian. And so while Cristina and I are at a cafe with Jon, Cristina gets a call (because I didn't hear my phone) that they're coming to Tampa. And it ended up being a really fun night, and I didn't go to my internship and am going to make it up, but it was so worth it. It was wonderful having fun and being in Jay's arms and everything really clicked. And so I saw him last weekend as well because Saturday night Kyle had the party for his birthday, and I ended up staying over Sunday night, too, after the Superbowl. I was about to say that I won't see Jay again until Valentine's day, but he just told me that I would see him Friday night on his way to Gainesville to pick up a friend for their annual camping trip. I asked Jay the other day if he wanted to make our Valentine's day plans, but he wanted more to go on. So I gave him an outline and he can just fill it in (not a physical one, that would be way too teacher-y of me). :)
I'm excited. Oh, and while we were at Meridian, Jay informed me that he wants to have a trip to Puerto Rico and I'm going. Maybe it's really weird sounding, but I love it when Jay makes plans for things in the future. He told me when I was in St. Pete that I need to get a Tampa Bay Rays shirt for when I go to the games with him next season. And now he's talking about Puerto Rico. He was saying something the other day about whether the Catholic church would marry us or consider me a "heathen." I love it so much when he does things like that because I know that he can see us being together to do these things in the future. I love Jay and he loves me, and I love that he loves me. He told me this last weekend that his favorite part of being with me is just holding me in his arms. I now feel so stupid for even doubting for a minute that I want to be with Jay. I was just so frustrated and felt so distanced. But now I don't feel that anymore. Jay wouldn't tell me online that he loved me and it made me really upset because I just wanted him to say it and I don't get to see him in person that often and he doesn't have a phone so I can just call and hear his voice. But now he tells me online. He tells me about how he misses me, and last night he told me he was getting depressed because he wanted to lay in bed with me and hold me but he couldn't. We've only been together for four months, but sometimes it feels like more than that to me. Maybe I didn't feel the same kind of butterflies and sparks when things were developing between Jay and I, but I feel like what we have is deeper than butterflies and sparks. Those things fade, and you have to be happy with one another when they do. I've never had to pretend about myself in any way with Jay. I am just a big dork all the time and I say things that are stupid or silly and he doesn't laugh about them, he just goes with it. Ha, I feel like I'm always gushing about the same things. They just make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-01-20T19:40:00

2009-01-21T05:23:28Z

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I went bowling with Jeff, Adam, and Chris. T'was fun. Then we had a picnic and that was also fun, not to mention yummy. Jeff, Chris, and I went for a walk after the picnic and during our second lap around the trail, Chris asked Jeff if he could talk to me privately. He wanted to know if I was okay because I wasn't really saying anything. It was pretty laughable because I was actually quite content. It was dark, breezy, and there were plenty of stars to look at. It reminded me of camping. Anyway, we kind of talked about the futility of the situation we were in, and then he started telling me about this dream he'd had that he was in Never Never Land. It was a pretty crazy dream. We all got back to Jeff's and I ended up asking Chris if he would give me a ride home so that Jeff wouldn't have to drive me home and then back to his place for no reason. And also because I liked being around Chris. But my intentions were not hurtful. I knew nothing was going to happen. I really though he would just drive me back to campus, but then he asked if there was anything I wanted to do. He said he didn't care what we picked, he just wanted to spend time with me. We ended up going to Meridian because Chris had never smoked a hookah before. It turned out well, we had a good time and talked more. He brought up how I'd mentioned the butterflies before and he said that he had that really bad in the car and that it was surreal that I'd gone with him. We kept talking and tried some new hookah flavors. He tried to put his arm around me and I told him I wasn't really comfortable with that and he told me that he hates but respects that at the same time. He didn't try it again and it made me think of the first night Jay and I hung out alone and he kept trying to do things that I wasn't comfortable with, but when I told him, he would just whine and try again until I gave in. That really sounds horrible, but I was so resentful of it. The first couple of weeks we were dating I started wondering if I wanted to be with someone who didn't respect my boundaries. Even when I brought it up with him, his excuse was that I was his girlfriend and I was supposed to want to get physical. It was especially hard to deal with at that point because I'd never really had the sex aspect and the relationship aspect in one. I had never had sex in a relationship, and I was craving more the romance and connecting ends of the spectrum. Every time he wanted to get physical, in my head it was demeaning the things that I wanted, because in my head sex was still just sex. I'm making things sound terrible with Jay, really, they aren't. This was an issue I had trouble resolving in my mind towards the beginning of our relationship. However, it still seems to be the case that when I don't do something Jay wants that he just shuts off and turns into a toddler. But no one is perfect. I feel like a shithead right now because it seems that the things that I have a problem with in my relationship are the things that are different around Chris. He's willing to accept the boundaries I set and still act like a mature adult. I feel terrible saying the things in my head. Because I do love Jay. I love him with his faults and all. Sometimes I am frustrated and right now is one of those times especially because he is in St. Pete and I don't get to see him nearly as much. I don't get the affection and reassurance I desire. Hell, Jay hasn't made any effort to tell me how he feels about me in over a week. The closest he's gotten is telling me today that he misses me. It's difficult because he's busy all the time and I understand that, but at the same time, I want part of that time to belong to me. Anyway, I digress. Chris and I are at Meridian and he starts stroking his fingers around the edge of my hair and around my ear. He runs his hand down the side of my face and I really just wish that I could put the two of them together. I told him about how I felt guilty for feeling the way I do even though I have no control over what my heart craves. I just wish that this had happened under different circumstances. In any other case I would just gush and gush and gush without a second thought because this boy seems so wonderful. On the other hand, I have no way of knowing if he would be that way in a relationship. I actually find that last part hard to really think. He was too genuine for me to imagine he wouldn't treat me like that were I his. Oh, here comes that wave of guilt again. I even feel weird just putting all of this in my livejournal because I feel like I will be judged. The truth of the matter is, this is my journal, it's where I write what I think and feel. I don't need to censor my feelings to write in my own journal. As Chris did this whole hair and face thing, my stomach started doing some insane acrobatics and I ended up asking him to stop. I just wish things were different so much. I wish that I could guiltlessly enjoy the attention and the feelings that I'm having. I mean, I have never felt so close to someone so quickly. Jay and I clicked awfully fast, but I never had such intense feelings right off the bat, my stomach never had so many butterflies. I don't know if my stomach has ever felt so full of butterflies. That's another thing that Chris said. He said he'd never felt like that about someone. He admitted that he wanted to be with me (admitted might be a bad word choice because I think even as readers, you can tell that it's not that much of a secret). I wanted to cry at the futility of it all. Over how amazing things could have been in another universe. Maybe over how things are in another universe. Maybe I can take comfort in that. I cannot hurt Jay like that because it would hurt me. I know I'm probably not sounding like that now, but it would kill him to know I was feeling all this. Hell, it'd kill him to know I had kissed someone else. I still kind of can't believe I did that, but at the time it was killing me; it was painful to receive so much affection from someone and not be able to reciprocate. It was painful to think that I made such an instant connection with someone and couldn't act on it. Jay was pretty jealous when he found out I was out with another guy. I gave him the vague overview, basically about how I'd spent the day with Jeff, Adam, and Chris and then Chris was driving me home and we ended up going to Meridian. Things really started to mellow out though. I stopped feeling so guilty and Chris and I got into conversation about other things. Personal things, actually. Like, things I can't believe I would tell someone so quickly. We finally left Meridian and Chris and I headed over to Cristina's so that I could grab the charger for my phone that was completely dead. Apparently Jay had been IMing Cristina to find out if she knew where I was. That was the first time in a week that I'd felt actually cared for. And I don't even know if that was the reason he wanted to know, or if he had a feeling I was with someone else. In any case, that kind of opened up the lines of communication between Jay and I, and I started to feel more connected to him almost immediately. I want him here so I can feel his arms around me and hear him call me baby. He's the only guy that's really pulled off "baby" with me. Coming from anyone else, it's just felt weird. And it's rubbed off on me, I say it almost without thinking. It's really crazy, I was having all these ridiculous wedding fantasies and suddenly I am defending my relationship to myself. I won't even pretend to know what is going to happen, but I know what I am going for. I'm not going to throw away the love I have for and get from Jay for a boy I met only the night before last. I do, however, really want to be friends with Chris. I mean, like I said, we really just kind of bonded really quickly and I don't want to just let that go.

emostarfish13 @ 2009-01-19T12:22:00

2009-01-19T18:24:55Z

There is something I need to address right now. Last night I met this guy, Chris, and he gave me butterflies and we kissed. I feel awful because I did that to Jay, but at the same time, things have been feeling kind of awkward with Jay lately. He won't tell me he loves me anymore, and I really don't know what to make of that aside from the obvious. But what's worse than cheating on my boyfriend by kissing another guy? Oh, those butterflies were so intense. I don't know if I ever felt those kinds of nerves around Jay, not to that degree, anyway. I'm not trying to justify myself, or maybe I am. I still love Jay, but I don't know what I'm feeling right now because Chris and I kind of connected in a meaningful way. He gave me a massage and then we both just kind of laid back and chatted about whatever. The strange thing was that yesterday I had changed my facebook status to something about craving comfort and reassurance. That was really kind of directed at Jay even though I'm sure he never saw it. The other day I asked if he still loved me and he asked what kind of question that was. I said, "a) sometimes a girl needs some reassurance. b) I feel less connected to you because we don't really get to have a proper conversation too often. c) last time I saw you you said you didn't love me anymore." I know that sounds awful that he said that he didn't love me anymore, but he was just goofing around and I was being supersensitive because of PMS. Anyhow, I never did get that reassurance and it made me feel so alone. So when Chris told me that he had a weird craving to snuggle, I found that comfort. I wasn't going to let it turn into anything. My stomach twisted into so many knots and I could hear Chris breathing kind of erratically and feel him shaking behind me, just in the slightest. And all I could think was that if Jay was not in my life that this would feel so right. The two of us kind of talked about it a bit. He kept telling me he didn't want to make me uncomfortable and that he respected my relationship with Jay. He kissed my forehead and my cheek and when he tried to kiss my lips I told him no and he told me I was strong. But I guess now that makes me weak because I started to feel like I needed just one kiss. How often do we meet someone that you just connect with in one night? I didn't want anything else, but I started to feel like I would regret it either way. Goddamn, what was I thinking? I felt so torn and Chris told me that he wanted me to be sure, that he wasn't going anywhere and he didn't want me to do something I would regret. This feels complicated and I'm sure it's not. I mean, the obvious answer here is don't go around kissing boys that aren't your boyfriend. I doubt it's something I'm bound to do again. I don't know what's going on with Jay and I. I don't know if I can handle not seeing him too often. I guess it's kind of like when I was with Shawn and I didn't get to see him that much. The times in between I just kind of forgot how I really felt. I know that I care about Jay. I wish he just gave me the affection I need to feel wanted enough. It wasn't a problem before. Even during winter break it wasn't a problem because he was always telling me he missed me and he wished he could be with me. That was enough. At this point I hardly get to speak to him (I don't know if speak is really the word I want to use because it's always online) and when I do he never says it. He doesn't say that he loves me or that he cares about me or misses me. I don't know, it was just something I wanted to get off of my chest. Oh, there was one part I almost forgot to mention... when Cristina and I were leaving, the boys (Jeff, Chris, and Adam) walked us out to the car and Chris shut my door for me and then drew a heart in the condensation on the window. I don't really know where I was going with that, I just felt like it was worth mentioning.

Happiest Place On Earth

2009-01-12T03:59:31Z

I just had one of the most delightful weekends ever. Friday, Jay was supposed to come to Tampa and pick me up so that we could go stay at his mom's house. He ended up being MUCH later than either one of us anticipated and didn't get in until around eleven at night. He went to go see some friends for about 20 minutes and then came back over and we spent some time together before heading out. We got to his mom's house and it was ridiculously late, but we eventually got to bed. Jay had set his alarm for seven am, but that didn't work out so well. He said he reset it for nine, but when I got up later it was 10:30 and I woke Jay up and we got ready. We didn't actually get to Disney until around noon. Jay was kind of upset with himself because he'd wanted to get there early, knowing we'd have to leave early to go to dinner back in St. Petersburg. Regardless, we still ended up having a stellar time and I was so excited all day. We got there and we were hungry but we got distracted when we saw this PhilharMAGIC show. We thought it sounded pretty cool so we went in and both loved it; it was pretty awesome. We went and got some burgers in Frontierland and then ended up getting some fast passes for Thunder Mountain. We ended up going to Space Mountain and we were going to just stand in the line (which was ridiculously long and out of the building), when some guy came up and asked us if we wanted some fast passes because he had five. Jay said there were only two of us, so he'd take two, and we did. I stayed in line to make sure they'd take these passes because I'm a bit wary of people like that, but Jay waved me up and we went in. It was pretty awesome as we passed hundreds of people in line. We were in and out and it was my first time on Space Mountain, so it was pretty exciting. Jay said that that was the high point of his birthday, haha. We went to this Monsters Inc comedy show which was pretty cool, and then we went to Stitch's Great Escape which wasn't much and I could have lived without it. We went back to Thunder Mountain and went to Pirates of the Caribbean. It was a blast, and we fit a lot of things in considering we were only there for a portion of the time we'd originally intended. Neither one of us had paid attention to where we'd parked (rookie mistake), and so when we went to leave that was kind of ...um, fun? But Jay suddenly remembered this racetrack thing and we finally found his car. :)
We headed out to go to St. Petersburg for dinner. We went to the Texas Cattle Co. with Kyle (Jay's friend) and his girlfriend, Kyle's parents, Kyle's brother and sister-in-law, and Jay's friend, Zach. It was a nice dinner and I had a 9 oz. Filet Mignon, while Jay had a T-bone. We started back to Kyle's house (in case I never mentioned, Jay is currently living in St. Pete with Kyle and his family and attending classes at SPC starting tomorrow) when I realized I'd left my purse. We went back and got it and then met everyone back at the Thompson's house. We then went to get some drinks and a movie. We stopped at Sweetbay for Jay and he didn't even get carded! He was so disappointed. We all went to Blockbuster (we being Jay, Kyle, Kaylee, Zach, and I) and ended up renting Eagle Eye because none of us had seen it. We went back and watched it and talked and drank (well, a bit, not like a party or anything). It was actually the first time I've seen Jay actually affected by alcohol. Usually I see him drink a beer or two and he's totally fine and I'm drinking with my friends so I get going and then I feel bad because I'm drunk and I feel like a burden. But last night he was sad that I wasn't drunk, he said that drunk Cheryl is fun, so it made me feel better, haha. But it was totally cool seeing Jay buzzed, I'd love to party with my boyfriend. Anyway, it got late and everyone went to bed. Jay, however, was the last up this morning. I woke up and didn't know what else to do but lay there because I was in someone else's house, so I ended up drifting in and out of sleep. We ended up ordering a pizza and watching Eagle Eye again before Jay took me back to Tampa. He's supposed to be back in town tomorrow so he can pick up his Xbox. He said he hopes he'll see me tomorrow, which made me happy.
So, basically I've had an amazing weekend, and I love my boyfriend. :)

emostarfish13 @ 2009-01-06T21:47:00

2009-01-07T03:45:24Z

So, winter break was alright, even if a little boring. Megan's birthday party was fun. That, trips to Plaster Carousel, and smoking a hookah with Reyna (which she later gave to me), were the high points of my break. But now it's time to get back into school mode. Not that I was there all of last semester. Yesterday I had one class, Teaching Writing. The class was scheduled for two and when I arrived at 1:50, the fire alarm had apparently gone off 35 minutes earlier and the doors automatically locked so no one could get in. I actually ended up having to wait outside for an hour to be able to get back into the building. The reason I stayed was because it is University Policy that students who do not attend the first class of a course are dropped from the course. I didn't want to take the chance that my class would begin and the teacher would drop me for not being there. She turned out to be really nice though, and I probably could have left, but that wouldn't have been very responsible anyway. Today I had two classes; Music in the United States and Teaching Math. Music in the United States was a class I threw in there to break up the monotony of education classes, and to give me enough credits for a full course load. It actually seems like a pretty easy class, and the professor even said that he was lax about most things and that the class is usually 350 students, and 320 usually get A's.
Today I went to the counseling center to make an appointment to start seeing someone there. I think that will help me through the semester. I mean, last spring and fall were the worst semesters I've had and I don't think it's just coincidence that those were the two semesters I wasn't seeing a counselor. I also went to Student Health Services to ask about birth control. That didn't go as well. I came back to my room and sat around for a while and ended up grabbing some lunch with Cristina before my second class. That was pretty much the extent of my day, so far. We're supposed to go play Guitar Hero at Jon's tonight. I played on HARD last time and I didn't fail and I was so happy/excited/proud. haha. I don't have classes on Wednesday, and the only class I have Thursday is that music class again. Friday I'll have a seminar for my online class and my Level I Internship.
I was planning on going to Jeff's birthday party Friday night, but Jay told me today that we're going to his mom's house so that we can go to Disney early on Saturday. I'm so excited for Disney. I'm so excited to see Jay again. I ended up coming back to Tampa a day earlier than I'd originally planned, and Jay came to Tampa that evening. He brought Zaq (his friend from St. Pete who goes to USF) here with his luggage so he could move back into his dorm room. Jay came to my room in the mean time and then we went to Chipotle with Zaq, his boyfriend, and Cristina. Then we ended up seeing Bedtime Stories and it was pretty hilarious and Jay spent the night with me and I was happy to be back in his arms again. I woke up next to him and he kept repositioning himself but always put his arms back around me. It felt so nice I dozed back off to sleep. I can't wait to see my beau again. :) His birthday is going to be so much fun.

happy things

2008-12-27T17:57:39Z

Hey there, world. So last weekend my uncle and cousins came down from Kansas to stay with us for a couple days. It was pretty awesome because I haven't seen my cousins in 10 years. I felt really nervous about it at first. It was almost like they were strangers. I was worried about not really getting along with them particularly well. My cousin Sara is 24 (25 soon) and I wasn't sure if we'd be able to really relate or anything. But then I was like "Well, Cristina is 23 and we're attached at the hip, and Tony is turning 26 quite soon and we get along in our own dysfunctional way." I guess it was a silly reason. Anyway, I ended up having a great time with them here. I am proud of myself because I stepped out of my comfort zone. My uncle decided he was going to take my cousins down to Vizcaya (which is BEAUTIFUL), and he asked if I wanted to go along. My first instinct was to decline because because I was afraid I would just feel awkward all day. But I finally forced myself to just say yes. I was sitting thinking to myself "Are you really going to say no just because you're afraid of feeling awkward and then just sit around here all day bored off your ass?!" And I would have regretted it if I didn't spend much time with them while they were down here. Like I said, it'd been ten years. We actually didn't make it down to Vizcaya in time the first day because we took the scenic route along A1A. So we ended up going the next day so that we could take the tour and walk around the gardens. Then the next morning they left. I was actually sad when they left. I started tearing up.
Christmas was pretty much like any other day. My family couldn't afford to buy presents, so we didn't do that whole thing. Except, I cheated. I painted

for my grandpa and mom at Plaster Carousel. I actually painted that plaque for my grandpa's birthday in May, but it fell and shattered on the way to the car and I cried for three hours. It took me four hours to do both times. The picture is really dark because I can't use the flash and they lighting wasn't great in the hallway. While I'm sharing those things,

is what I made for Jay for Christmas. :)
That's right, I made him a green power ranger. Again, the lighting is bad. My apartment is just awful for lighting I guess. Anyway, I spent about two hours doing this one because I had to use the tools to make it the green ranger instead of the red ranger. But I'm glad I had to do more, because it seems more thoughtful that way (which it is). Jay loves the power rangers, and his favorite is the green ranger. He's going to love it. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he sees it.
Anyway, yesterday my grandpa went back on the no presents thing and got my mom and I both a digital picture frame. I love it. I can take it to school and have all of my favorite pictures right there on my desk. Like I said, Christmas was just like any other day. I did surprise my family with a gift (and I drew a tree to put it under. haha), but other than that, all we did was lounge around the house and then go visit my grandma, which we do everyday. I feel kind of bad saying it, but to me Christmas really is just the presents and fancy meal. I mean, I don't feel like I need a certain day to remind me to love my family and be happy for them and the fact that I'm healthy and alive. That's just life. Maybe I'm just that materialistic. Christmas holds no religious meaning for me, but then again, nothing really does. That's not to say I didn't have a good Christmas. I just hate that some bitch I know on facebook (that I actually met once in real life and she added me after that) posted pictures of her getting all these expensive things and making her status something along the lines of wondering why her parents bought two Wiis. (So Mindy, you're not the only one bitching about facebook statuses. lol). It was just fucking annoying.
My birthday is three months from today! I'll finally be 21. And my birthday is on a Friday, so it'll be a party all weekend. :-) And Jay can come be with me on my birthday! (Which means a lot more to me than partying all weekend, anyway). I was talking to Mercedes last night (she slept over after I called and got her out of a bad date and we went bowling), and I told her that Jay has so much faith in our relationship that it makes me feel really secure. For example, when he told me he wouldn't be at USF anymore, I immediately thought he was going to feel like he needed to break up with me, but that wasn't even a question to him. He just immediately thought that he would have to come visit me on the weekends and such. He's already making plans for my birthday in March when it's only December and we've only been dating since October. It just makes me feel amazing to know that he's really invested in this and it's not one of those of-the-moment kind of deals.

:)

2008-12-17T21:10:02Z

I love my boyfriend. Thought I'd share. Yesterday he told me (twice!) that I mean the world to him. I can't remember a boy saying something that sweet to me before. I know that I keep saying it, but he makes me feel so secure in our relationship. I never wonder if he's lying to me and just telling me what I want to hear because I just know that he isn't.
In other news, I saw Reyna the other day and we went to the mall and ended up at this kiosk that sells tobacco products and such. (Oh yeah, and I'm back in Coral Springs). They sold hookahs, and Reyna pointed out to me that she had one just like the ones they had. I was surprised she had a hookah and suggested we get some tobacco and coals. While we were standing there she told me that she had only used it twice, and not with tobacco (if you catch my drift). She told me that I could have it if I wanted. I was totally down with the idea of owning my own little hookah.
Other than that, I've been super bored here in Coral Springs. Carly is supposed to come home today, so hopefully that will change things. I'm really hoping that Jay will be able to come down and visit me for New Years.

bright side

2008-12-13T03:46:42Z

So I failed three classes (and am thoroughly disgusted with myself), my boyfriend is moving away for about eight months, and I got a text from Cristina (who i'm attached at the hip with) today telling me she was in a car accident. Pretty damn intense. However all of it kind of has a silver lining in a way. I've learned from the first that I need to lighten my course load as well as taking different classes to break up the monotony of education courses. I found myself saying all semester that I needed some less subjective material; I need a clear cut right answer. Being apart from Jay will be weird because i'm so used to seeing him every couple of days. I'm not sure if our relationship will last long enough for us to be together when he gets back, but not because of being away; just relationships in general. Though I feel like I could realistically see us together then. This is honestly the most secure I have felt in a relationship. And of course the silver lining regarding Cristina is, of course, that she is safe. You can bet i'll be paying closer attention to the road tomorrow.

emostarfish13 @ 2008-12-06T16:55:00

2008-12-06T22:01:54Z

So huzzah, I have completely fucked myself over during my first semester at USF. I really hate that. Lately I just feel like shit. I want to do something, but then I feel like I can't because I feel bad for not doing what I should have done a while ago. Like my work for classes that I'm hoping I can turn in late as my excuses grow more and more sour and I still cannot find the energy or motivation or clear mind to do them. I freaked out on Jay last night. I had him come over so I could just treat him to a very nice evening. I heated up leftovers from Thanksgiving at home and we had them for dinner. We started watching Doctor Who and my brain snapped. Everything was pissing me off, down to the way my clothes were situated on me. I flipped out and started crying and not only was I upset, but it upset Jay.
Dear Cheryl,
Way to sabotage a nice evening with the boyfriend.

Not to mention that I'm still freaking out over how much I fucked up. I hate myself for this shit right now.

Weekend in Kissimmee

2008-11-19T00:00:41Z

So I just had an absolutely amazing weekend. I went to Kissimmee with Jay for his sister's Quince. We drove over there Friday, and came back yesterday.
Friday night we got to Jay's mom's house to find it empty (until three other people that were staying there mysteriously popped up while I was in the bathroom). It was probably a little after 6:30 when we got there, and then we had to go to this rehearsal for Crystal's (Jay's sister) Quince. Well, Jay had to go, I didn't, but what else was I going to do? We were supposed to meet his mom at a gas station, but she'd decided to go home and take a shower, so we had to go back to the house. That was when I met Jay's sister and his mom. So we go to the hotel and all that jazz; this was where I met Jay's step-dad, who is like a dad to him because he's been there his whole life. On the way to the hotel, which is at the Orlando airport, we saw the shuttle launch. It was so amazing to see, and it was right in front of us. We got to the hotel and I watched them practice and it was all very nice. Once that was done, Jay and I decided we were going to go see a movie. Jay's mom came to talk to us before we left and she said I looked like a nice girl and that Jay was a good guy (which he denied, though I already know it's true). We went to this place called the Loop and saw Role Models at the theater there. We both liked the movie, and by the time it was over, it was after 12, so we headed back to the house. Jay's mom was supposed to help him write his speech after she got back from clubbing(?!), but she never got back and we stayed up so ridiculously late that I was beyond exhausted and just frustrated with my lack of the ability to fall asleep. We slept on an air mattress in the living room. I hope Jay's mom didn't mind; I know mine would be weird about us sleeping in the same bed all cuddly and such.

We got up Saturday morning, and I went with Jay as he picked up his suit and had the sleeves adjusted. He looked so handsome. Saturday was spent doing quite a bit of running around because the Quince was that night and there were a lot of things that still needed to be done. After Jay got his suit we hopped in his car and went to Party City to get the balloons blown up for the head table. After a lot of drama and debating, we ordered the 2 bouquets (that's what they call a grouping of balloons, apparently) and said we'd pick them up at 3:30 (because as I'd pointed out, if we got them blown up right away, they'd be deflating by the Quince). We went back to the house and showered and such, and Jay wrote his speech that his mom was supposed to help him with the night before. We ended up blowing up the rest of the balloons so they could put them on the dance floor (which didn't happen, what a horrible waste of my breath). Then Jay decided we'd get the balloons after church, so I made him call Party City and change the pick up time so that they wouldn't be inflated too far in advance. As I just mentioned, we went to church. It was my first time going to a Catholic church, and it was actually almost exactly like what I was used to growing up. Which isn't especially surprising because I grew up Lutheran, which is the direct branch off of Catholic in terms of Protestantism. It was nice and the priest blessed Crystal and after church was over, Jay and I went to pick up the balloons. I had a serious conversation with Jay about religion in the car and how I stopped being religious and eventually drifted away completely. During church, Jay kept reaching over and holding my hand, and when it came time to shake hands with people to share peace, he leaned over and kissed me. The kissing part was a little embarrassing, but it all still meant a lot to me. Anyway, we got the balloons and headed to the hotel and Jay went in to go do the run-through. I sat around for a while and waited for him to come back out. Jay had to sit at the head table, so I was put at the family table so I could be near the front and take pictures for them. The ceremony started and I took pictures and then Jay gave his speech (which he'd had me read for him earlier to make sure it was good, and then I wrote it down for him because we didn't have a printer), and it was wonderful. Then it came time to sit down and eat and such, and Jay's dad decided he wanted to sit by his [own] mom at the family table, and so they told the event planner and she had me come sit at the head table with Jay so I wasn't all alone. We ate and hung out and such and ended up walking around outside and all because Jay's parents said we couldn't leave yet because if people saw Crystal's brother leaving, they'd start leaving. Eventually we did get to leave, though, and we stopped by Blockbuster all decked out in our formal wear and rented Forgetting Sarah Marshall. We were both pretty exhausted and I was really out of it while the movie was playing. Jay woke me up and told me we were going to sleep in his mom's room because she and Crystal were staying at their complimentary room in the hotel (Crystal had a few of her friends stay there too and they did whatever girls that age do in hotel rooms).

Sunday was fun because we went to Disney! Nevermind the freezing weather. We went to MGM (which is apparently now Hollywood Studios), and had a blast. We were going to switch to the Magic Kingdom at some point in the day, but we never found the time, and Magic Kingdom was the earliest closing of the parks. Jay's dad (step-dad) had gotten us 3-day park passes where we could switch parks whenever we want and go any three days within 6 months of the first time we used the tickets. So we have two more trips that we can use. I suggested to Jay we go for his birthday, which is in January. Though it will be really cold then, too. Anyway, we had a blast at MGM and I was happy that Jay had invited me to come for the weekend, and that his dad had gotten me a ticket to Disney. I really appreciated that. We spent the day at Disney, but when it got dark it got even colder and we had to leave. Jay and I went out to dinner at Johnny Rockets. We ended up staying the night at his mom's house again because Jay didn't feel like driving back. I helped him back up stuff on my computer because his computer had been raped by viruses and he needed to restore it. We watched the rest of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and fell asleep. Jay had planned to wake up around 8 or 8:30 in the morning because he had class at 11:55. However, he really didn't get up until 11:45-ish; ignoring his alarm and everything. We finally got out of there and headed back to Tampa, where Jay wanted me to come over to his place even though we'd spent the whole weekend together. Though I did finally get to meet his roommate.

However, I've got to say that my favorite thing about the weekend was just how close I felt to Jay. He would constantly be trying to hold my hand, and he told me he loves me more times that I could count. I made the mistake of telling him that RAWR is dinosaur for I love you and he would not stop saying rawr all the time. And if I didn't say it back he'd frown and say "You don't rawrs me?" He's so adorable sometimes. We had serious conversations, like the one about religion. I have to say, I've kept my feet pretty firmly planted on the ground the last month and a half, I even had my doubts about our relationship. Even so, I love this boy. I think this past weekend was the best thing possible in terms of Jay and I. I feel more strongly about him than ever. And I feel secure in our relationship and how he feels about me. I feel more secure in how I feel about him, as well. I decided that some weekend, probably next semester, I'm going to take him down to Coral Springs with me to meet my mom. I asked him in the car on the way back and he told me he wanted to. He also told me on Saturday that he wants to take me to Puerto Rico someday. I thought that was really sweet.
p.s. I have a few pictures of Jay and I from this weekend up on facebook, so if you haven't seen them yet, you're welcome to go look. Not a lot and nothing particularly special, but Jay looks like a BAMF in his suit. :-)